GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and
nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ego? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden
plan. Those plants grow in any type of
soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long
lasting blossoms attract butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST.
FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled
there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers
"weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with
grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod
worms. It's temperamental with
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites
really want all that grass growing there?
ST.
FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by
fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really fast.
That
must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST.
FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it,
sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it?
Do they then bole it like hay?
ST.
FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bogs.
GOD: They bag it?
Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST.
FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite.
They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they
cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a
lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag
out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay
to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius,
if I do say so myself. The trees
grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and
form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and
bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites
have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No!
What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to
keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out
and buy something which they call mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make
the mulch.
GOD: Enough! These Suburbanites deserve whatever blights may come.